First Contact: HOA
Visitors from another planet flee after a close encounter with the board
Gerald Stickler knelt in the wet grass by the pond as he squinted his eyes at the azaleas. He fished a measuring tape out of his shirt pocket as the Rightville Community Police arrived.
“Good morning, Jerry,” said Officer Ribbing. “What is it today?”
“The shrubbery on the left is too high,” said Jerry, not looking up.
“No, I’m asking why you called — something about the pond?”
“Oh, that. I was adjusting the cameras on my roof when I saw that thing.”
“You mean taking the cameras down?” Ribbing asked.
Jerry stood and faced the officer, arms crossed. “I updated the bylaws with an exception for board member residences — for compliance purposes. But that’s not why you’re here, I called you about the pond.”
Officer Ribbing sighed. “Jerry, you can’t get around state privacy laws by updating HOA regulations.”
“Are you going to deal with that thing, or what?” asked Jerry, pointing with an outstretched hand.
Officer Ribbing looked across the pond and saw a slight silver shimmer reflecting from the top. “What is it?”
As if on request the silver shimmer began to hum. The men watched as a large craft rose out of the water. Two panels slid apart to the hiss of hydraulic motors, and a row of stairs floated down from the opening. Officer Ribbing’s mouth dropped open as two green men in ornate clothing descended the hovering stairs.
“Greetings, people of Earth,” said the first. “I am ambassador Kobar, and this is our chief science officer, Trelia. We seek an audience with your leader — the president, I believe is the term.”
Jerry stepped forward and puffed up his chest. “That would be me, Gerald Stickler, HOA board president.”
“We are pleased to meet you,” said Kobar, bowing his head.
“We come to share technology that has brought our civilization many millennia of peace and prosperity,” said Trelia.
“You came and parked illegally, is what you did. That’s a violation of Section 51, Article II, and subject to fine,” said Jerry. “Officer Ribbing, write them a ticket.”
“Excuse me?” asked Kobar, eyes narrowing.
Trelia nudged Kobar. “We apologize for any intrusion. We have come through a wormhole from 300 million lightyears away.”
“You arrived through the pond?” asked Jerry.
“Yes. This technology — our gift to you — can jump between any body of water in the universe,” said Trelia.
“Amazing!,” said Ribbing.
“That’s another infraction. Officer Ribbing, call the Coastguard for a tow.”
The officer looked at Jerry with disbelief. “They are offering the key to interstellar travel, and you want to have it towed?”
“Community rules prohibit motorized boats. Residents are only allowed the use of manually operated paddle boats, and only on fifth Thursdays of February. This ship is subject to seizure.”
“If you are concerned about pollution,” said Trelia, “I can assure you that there is no danger. Our engines make unlimited energy, releasing only purified air and water. And as a bonus, you can see that our bending of the fabric of space and time has helped your flora grow.”
“Did you just say that you can produce unlimited energy — while improving the environment?” asked Ribbing.
“Yes,” said Trelia, standing taller with a smile. “I helped invent it.”
Clearing his throat, Jerry interrupted, “they also said they are responsible for the azaleas growing.”
“That’s correct,” said Kobar. “In addition to unlimited energy, we bring you the ability to grow food rapidly and naturally.”
“That could end world hunger!” said Ribbing.
Jerry forced an even louder cough and stared straight through officer Ribbing. “That is another violation,“ he said.
Officer Ribbing scratched his head.
“These shrubberies are now the same height. The community bylaws are clear, we must have two shrubberies, one slightly higher than the next, to create a two-level effect.”
Trelia leaned closer to Kobar’s shoulder and asked, “are you sure this is the right planet?”
“Yes,” replied Kobar.
“Did you check the map?”
Kobar rolled his eyes. “This is it, the most advanced civilization in this galaxy.”
“Ehem,” interrupted Jerry, feigning a cough.
Hearing the sound, Kobar’s eyes opened wide. He reached into his pocket and offered Jerry a capsule, “perhaps you will find this gift more appealing. I noticed that you seem to have a problem with your throat. This pill will cure any disease, with the only side effect being eternal youth.”
“Did you just say eternal youth?” said Ribbing.
“That is incredible,” said Jerry.
“You mean that you are finally happy with something?” asked Officer Ribbing.
“No,” said Jerry. “Another violation. There is no soliciting on community grounds.
Just then, a smaller figure came running out of the spacecraft, similar to Trelia and Kobar from the waist up but with four hooved legs, hopping from step to step like a baby goat.
“What the hell is that thing?” Ribbing asked.
“And why isn’t it on a leash?” stammered Jerry.
“Excuse me?,” replied Kobar. “This is our child. Our race has four legs until our metamorphosis. You would not ask the people of your planet to keep their children on leashes, would you?”
“I would and I have,” said Jerry.
Officer Ribbing nodded. “It’s true, he has.”
“That’s it, I’ve had it,” said Kobar. “This species is hopeless. We should just eradicate them and take their resources.
“No,” said Trelia. “We have been a peaceful race for thousands of years.”
“No one has to know — we could say the planet was uninhabited.”
“That is enough,” said Kobar, “we’re leaving”.
“Wait, please don’t go,” said Officer Ribbing.
“Yes,” said Jerry. “That would be another infringement. You cannot move a vehicle after it has been marked for towing.”
“Can we at least vaporize this one?” asked Trelia.
“That would be ok with me,” said Ribbing.
Kobar paused on the stairs, looking back at Jerry. “Well…”
Thanks for reading! This post was a response to the March writing prompt from the Fictionistas Substack community.
Police receive a phone call from a homeowner who’s fixing his roof. From his higher vantage point he’s able to see that there’s a large, oddly shaped object in the bottom of a nearby pond. What happens when the police arrive to investigate?
My contribution was inspired by the, let’s say, enthusiastic members of my neighborhood HOA, who love to complain about our children — sometimes too worried about the rules to recognize that our future is right in front of them. Looking back, one of the challenges I gave myself was trying to fit four characters and a sci-fi setting into the 1000 word limit. That held me back from having as much fun with the sci-fi as I would have liked, but I still found a way to slip in a little Monte Python reference. Drop a comment below if you spotted it.
From now on I have a new verb. To Jerry.
Absolutely love this story. Fully belly laughs. Congrats on fitting it into a shrubbery size post! Couldn't help but feel we share a brain. But you got the better writing half. I spend too much time trying to cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest with a herring!