A Slice of Apology
Trump and Vance Offer Zelenskyy a Peace of Pizza After Oval Office Spat
After their meeting in the Oval Office got out of hand, Trump and Vance ask Zelenskyy for a second meeting.
Trump and Vance stand before a large, wooden door in the warmly lit hallway of Zelenskyy’s residence. Trump knocks.
Zelenskyy: Hello? Oh, it’s you. Can I help you?
Trump: Listen, I know our last meeting didn’t go so well. It wasn’t great. But we’d like to make it up to you, can we come in?
Vance, leaning in: We brought pizza.
Zelenskyy, checking watch: Thank you, but it’s very late.
Trump, lowers head: That’s Ok, I get it. Forget we ever came.
Vance: But POTUS, we —
Trump: No, this was a mistake, a big mistake.
Vance drops his shoulders as he and Trump both begin to turn away, heads hung low.
Zelenskyy: Wait, I’m sorry, it’s Ok. Please, come in.
Trump: That’s ok, don’t invite us in just because you feel bad. We know when we’re not wanted.
Zelenskyy: No no, it’s not like that. Please, come in.
Trump and Vance enter the suite and take a seat at a round table.
Trump: Volodymyr, I just want to say, I’m sorry if you felt offended. Mistakes were made.
Vance: Yeah.
Trump: Let us make it up to you. We’ll have some pizza, have a great time — no arguing.
Zelenskyy: We can talk, but I’m not in the mood for pizza right now.
Vance: What?!?
Trump, putting up a hand between Vance and Zelenskyy: That’s ok. We tried to do a nice thing, a very nice thing, but you don’t have to have any.
Vance: We’re trying to be good to you here, bring you a traditional American meal.
Zelenskyy: How is pizza an American meal?
Vance, rising from his seat: Oh, no! Now you are trying to tell the president — of the United States of America — what is American? You should be thanking the president for trying to bring a peace offering.
Zelenskyy: No, I wasn’t trying to do that. I do appreciate it.
Trump: You can’t do that. Ok, You can’t do that. This is a great country, with many great traditions, and now you are insulting our traditions.
Zelenskyy: I would never do that, please, let’s have some — American pizza.
Vance, sitting back down: Was that so hard?
Zelenskyy opens the lid of the pizza box and furrows his brows.
Zelenskyy: This is only half a pizza.
Trump: Wait a second, big mistake here. Big mistake. Where is your pizza?
Vance: Yeah, where is your pizza?
Zelenskyy: What?
Trump: You are acting like you have a better pizza. Do you have a better pizza?
Zelenskyy: No, I’m not acting like I have pizza here, it’s just —
Trump: Excuse me, but with Obama, you had cheese. That’s very plain. And I brought you supreme. Obama gave cheese, and Trump gave toppings. The best toppings.
Zelenskyy: I don’t understand.
Trump: You’ve got to be more thankful because let me tell you, you didn’t have pizza before us. With us, you start having pizza.
Zelenskyy, disheveled: I said thank you.
Zelenskyy takes a slice and begins to eat. He looks to Trump and Vance.
Zelenskyy: Aren’t you going to have any?
Trump: No thank you. We already ate.
Zelenskyy, puzzled: Ok.
Vance: Ok? The least you could do is show a little gratitude. I mean, we brought you a pizza here — after how everything went — and you don’t even say thank you.
Zelenskyy: I said thank you.
Vance: You know, I think Putin would say thank you without complaining about a missing slice.
Trump: That’s right, class act.
Zelenskyy: I did say thank you. Why do you always have to compare me to Putin?
Trump: Oh no, this again? Here we are trying to have a nice meal, and you have to bring up Putin.
Zelenskyy: I wasn’t the one w—
Vance: This is just like the time you got all out of shape over some innocent activity on Instagram.
Trump: It’s called diplomacy, Volodymyr. Putin always posts pictures of his pizzas, and I like them. Great pizzas with wonderful toppings.
Vance: The president of the United States needs to keep an active social profile. Did Biden do that? No. For four years, you didn’t have that.
Zelenskyy: How does liking a picture of Putin’s pizza diplomacy?
Trump: When you see an image of another great leader with a perfectly made pizza, you have to respect it.
Vance: Yeah.
Trump: You know, maybe you wouldn’t have so many troubles if you just showed a little respect.
Zelenskyy: What are you talking about? You are acting like he is a social media influencer. He’s a dictator invading my country.
Trump: Don’t try to tell me who is being influenced. You are in no position to tell me who is the influencer.
Vance: Yeah, no position!
Zelenskyy: I’m not telling you.
Trump: You know what, I think I’ve had enough here. Vance, we’re leaving. Get the pizza?
Zelenskyy: You’re taking the pizza?
Vance: This is the president’s pizza.
Trump: This is going to be great leftovers. I will say that.
This is my fave part where Trump refers to himself here haha: "Excuse me, but with Obama, you had cheese. That’s very plain. And I brought you supreme. Obama gave cheese, and Trump gave toppings. The best toppings."